What a difference a day makes...

Well, I am thirty-three today, you guys. Almost exactly officially thirty-three; I was born at 1:51 pm, and it's 1:50 as I'm writing this. I have never really been bothered by birthdays (it's better than the alternative, am I right?), but despite having a pleasant little day thus far, I am feeling a bit melancholy.

I think it's mostly because birthdays seem to be a time to contemplate where you are in your life compared to where your younger self assumed you would be. I am just feeling particularly struck this time around at how things are different from what I had hoped. I should really shut up; in the important ways, I am pretty damn lucky. Mark is so much better than any amorphous "husband" I ever imagined. He drives me absolutely batty sometimes, but I laugh, without exception, EVERY DAY. Usually multiple times every day. I hope I have a bunch of sons as adorable as he, with the same good heart and easygoing nature. I have a fantastic family whom I love spending time with, both in my family of origin and in my inlaws. I am so grateful for the time I get to spend with them, and for the fact that Mark and I both have parents who are healthy and active, and who I pray will stay that way for many, many years to come. I am also blessed to have friends who are so dear to me that they may as well be family, and to have married into an equally great group of friends as well.

All of that there? It is some serious good fortune, so I feel like a whiny d.b. for being stuck on what I don't have. While I think I may be on the cusp of some career goodness, I am decidedly not where I had thought I would be. When I was young, I always imagined myself as a mom. Once I decided on law school, I imagined myself as "v. busy and important," as Bridget Jones would say. Right now, I am neither. While I definitely have some significant baggage about leaving the law firm, and I really wish I had never left my first firm, I am somewhat at peace with the idea that Big Law is not for me. It was not a healthy environment, and it's certainly not my only option. I am not satisfied with the status quo, but I can accept this as a building phase, the tedious part of getting where I want to go. The mom thing is weighing on me, though. That is ... not going so well, and it's frustrating. It did not sound like as big a deal when I was thirty-two, but thirty-three just sounds significantly older, making any issues seem that much more significant as well. I think my frustration is magnified because I feel like it is just wrong for me to have so little control over something so important. (What control issues?) Patience is not my strong suit, so, you know. This kind of sucks.

However, there is certainly way more than enough good to outweigh the bad, so for today? Screw it -- enough moodiness; it's time to focus on celebrating the good. I am making a hair appointment, doing a little shopping, and then meeting Mark for dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. I am one very lucky, albeit ever-so-slightly older, lady.

P.S. Should you need an excuse to raise a glass this evening, I am more than willing to take one for the team. Cheers, all!


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