So can we talk about this? Because WHOA:

I have peed on so many, many dollars over the last few years, but never has THIS happened. And let's be clear -- I am certainly not operating as though this means we'll actually be bringing a baby home come May. If this is indeed accurate and not just a chemical (first beta is Tuesday), I am at a mere 4w1d. There is still so very much time in which things could go wrong.

I am dangerously, wantonly hopeful, though; I just can't help myself. We did so much to get here and I think I was just expecting it would never actually work. I feel like hope is reckless at this stage, but alas, here we are. And fucking Pinterest, you guys. The siren song of its trove of nursery photos is irresistible; I mean, imaginary decorating is MY THING. I'm not pinning anything, of course, but ohh how I look and ponder themes and paint colors. I also had a conveniently timed shopping trip to pick up a baby shower gift and was promptly overwhelmed by Buy Buy Baby. There is so much CRAP; I could research from now until May just trying to figure out what is actually necessary. It makes reading about this stuff so easy to justify when I should really just back away and ignore the fact that our whole world has shifted.

I think imaginary decorating and reading about baby gear is just my method of distraction, because the limbo never really ends, does it? First I was anxious it wouldn't work, now I'm terrified something will go wrong. The really scary thing is that, if we're unbelievably lucky, it's only going to get worse. In the best case scenario, I'm going to spend my whole life, God willing, worrying about something happening to this little person. Right now, I'm just hoping I'll get that chance. 

I can't drink, so I'm soothing my nerves with pictures of Jenny Lind cribs and nautical stripes. It'll have to do for now.


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